I think I was too young to remember the days when there was separate seating sections on planes for smokers and non-smokers. Thank goodness!! Having a smoking section, anywhere, is pretty much like dedicating a peeing section in the pool. It just doesn’t work. Anyway, Kellie and I took our first trip together this past weekend, with Luke. This was his first time flying a long distance, so we were pretty nervous. Luke has flown from Dallas to Houston with Kellie, but that was only a 45 minute flight. So, that wasn’t too big of a deal. But, this past weekend we were in Daytona Beach, FL and we thought this would be a great trip for everyone to go on. So, we loaded up all 6 suitcases filled with clothes, Cd’s, and then the other things that were not needed (packed by Kellie of course). The first flight was a connecting flight to Houston, which was great. Luke just played and giggled a little bit. People are usually pretty forgiving in a 40 min flight. But, the next flight was going to be 2 and a half hours. The flight was totally booked, so that meant we weren’t going to be able to leave a seat in between us. So, we got seated and Luke starts whining a little bit, but was manageable for the first 30 minutes. After we fed him a bottle…..then another bottle (just to top him off) he fell asleep and slept almost the whole way!! Yay. So, we were lucky this time….but there will soon be another trip I’m sure. While on the plane with a sleeping child, almost every little things makes you annoyed because you think it’s going to wake up your baby. So, I’ve constructed a list that I think airlines need to follow on new seating assignments.
1. The Talker’s Section- If you haven’t been on a plane before, it’s pretty loud. Basically it’s like having a huge 2000 horsepower white noise sleep machine in your ear the whole time. I do enjoy talking to people on a plane, but I usually don’t because it “seems” as if you have to yell. It seems this way because when people talk they try to hear their own voice (which is how we regulate our speaking volume) Similar to when you talk with headphones on. You yell to hear yourself while the person across from you and bleeding from their ears at your unnecessary speaking volume. If I can hear you all the way in front of the plane, here’s a hint, the person next to you can hear you too! So, I would suggest that the last section of the plane for talkers. It’s my assumption that they will all be talking so loudly, that they’ll just get frustrated and all quit talking all together. Therefore making it easy for the rest of us to sleep!
2. The Kid Section- This section should be all the way to the front of the plane. This is the section for the parents whose kids like to grab the seats in front of them and shake it like a Polaroid picture. If they are in the furthest front seat, ah ha, no seat in front of them to shake. This is also the closest seat to the exit, in case I need to let your child go to the restroom outside at 30,000 feet!
3. Smokers Section- “Adam, you know there isn’t smoking on a plane anymore.” Yes, I do know that. But apparently some airports (Atlanta) for one, have these death rooms they call smoking rooms. This is where smokers, who can’t go 3 minutes without smoking, can sit in a cloud of smoke in a dedicated room in the terminal, and smoke. This is a humorous room, because it is totally see through. All the little toddlers and kids can come up to the window and gawk at the people inside. It’s kind of like viewing the reptiles at the zoo except, instead of viewing the snake eating the mouse in the reptile room, you can watch smoke wrinkle away the skin of 20 people at a time. ANYWAY this section is for those people who have just smoked a cigarette, or 20 cigarettes in some cases. Obviously they think that they are the only ones who can smell smoke. They come and plop down beside you wafting a cloud of smoke in the air that finds it’s ways to your nostrils. Thanks. As if all the coughing and sneezing germs circulating through the air vents weren’t enough to make me paranoid. Now I have to worry about 2nd hand/leather jacket smoke.
4. First Class Section (upgraded)- This is for the people who, before the flight, found out that they could upgrade their ticket for only $60 and fly first class. Woo Hoo! Basically, they get two free checked bags and get to sit in the very front. Oh yeah, you get your ginger ale before anyone else too. It’s basically the same as paying the amount of checking two bags, so it’s not that fancy. Just a $10 difference when you look at it. But, they snarl at you when you walk on, as if you are beneath them. I’m surprised they don’t ask the flight attendants if someone from coach could come and fiddle for them, or play a sultry harp solo to lull them asleep. This section of the plane should be moved to the wing of the plane.
5. Drinks and Snacks People on a 45 minute flight- It mind boggles me that the flight attendants think that we are all so desperate in need of a drink, that we can’t wait 30 minutes to get to the next airport to fulfill our odd flight drinks. They are frantically sprinting up and down the aisles throwing bags of peanuts at you yelling and asking if they can get you something. Usually this is occurring while I’m trying to get my cat nap in, and the flight attendant rams my elbow with their loud 4 ton vending machine cart. This raises another question. Why do people, on a plane, order drinks that they never have in real life? “Yes, I would like a ginger ale with teaspoon of club soda and tomato juice.” Seriously? I am willing to bet $4 that the last time they ordered either tomato juice, club soda, or ginger ale was when they last flew, 6 years earlier. I usually end up with drink all over me because, apparently, a little divot in my seat tray isn’t enough to hold a top heavy plastic cup securily when the plane drops 100 feet during turbulence. Hmmmm, imagine that. Now I have to hold my breath through the smoking section while “The Talking Section” laughs, way too loud, at me as I make it to the locker size restroom. At least the $60 upgrade guy is too busy enjoying his V8/Pine-Sol drink mixture to not notice my predicament.
What section would you like to see added to your next plane ride??